


The aftermath of tragedy

by SoniaRavenclaw



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Angst, Episode: s05e21 Last Rites, F/M, Love, Post-Episode: s05e11 Swan Song, Post-Episode: s5e20 Firebird, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-09
Updated: 2019-11-09
Packaged: 2021-01-26 03:50:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21367726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SoniaRavenclaw/pseuds/SoniaRavenclaw
Summary: This is my take on Emma's feelings during the time that passed between Killian's death and deciding to go to the underworld, and the events that unfold after that.
Relationships: Captain Hook | Killian Jones/Emma Swan
Kudos: 13





	The aftermath of tragedy

**Author's Note:**

> I felt like they didn't let us see Emma grieve Killian that much before getting straight into the underworld arc, so I decided to write my take on how she could have felt.

If walls could talk, they would tell you the tale of a young princess, whose heart had just been crushed into small pieces. They would tell you about how she lied in their – _it was just hers now_ – bed and cried until she had no tears left to shed.

You would know how she ignored the sound of people knocking on the door that disrupted the sepulchral silence that reigned the house, and how she casted a spell in the house so she wouldn't hear the outside world anymore.

She didn't want to talk with anyone, didn't want to be disrupted.

She just wanted to be left alone.

Minutes and hours went by and she just stayed in the same exact position.

She felt numb and cold. It didn't matter how many blankets she threw on her, she just felt cold.

Emma looked around and felt her chest aching with every glance. Everything around her reminded her of Killian.

"Killian" she pronounced his name ever so quietly.

He was gone.

She couldn't bring herself to say those words out loud. She refused to accept the fact that Killian was gone for good. So, she didn't, and spent her time holding his ring really tight, fearing it would somehow disappear, just like-

Just like _him_.

For the first time in what felt ages, Emma got up from their bed. It used to be a happy place, where she felt safe and loved in his arms. Where they shared endless nights together, feeling alive. But now it was just a painful reminder of what she would never have again. Emma stared at it before leaving the room and a memory flooded her eyes.

_"Killian! It was a joke, please, stop" Emma said between laughing and crying, being mercilessly tickled by her boyfriend. "I promise, it isn't funny"_

_"It did seem funny two minutes ago when you couldn't stop laughing" Killian said, clearly enjoying how she couldn't fight against his tickling. "You can fight monsters, witches and mistress of evil, but you can't scape my tickles, huh love?" he smiled, lowering the intensity of Emma's torture._

_She breathed and tried to stop laughing. They locked eyes, and Emma turned to place herself on top of her boyfriend._

_"You know, I might have to tease you more from now on" she smiled while taking his hands in hers._

_"And I might have to find more creative ways to make you pay for that, love"_

_She laughed, and slowly got down to press her lips against his. Holding her tight, Killian carefully took her t-shirt off and kissed her deeper. And well, the rest is history._

She let a sad smile appear in her face and turned to leave the bed behind her, unable to keep looking anymore. The memories were too painful, but after all that was the only thing that was left for her, _memories_.

Emma walked down the hallway of the house. He chose it, for both, so they could have their future together in there.

It felt scarily big without his presence.

Without noticing, she reached the living room. It didn't have much inside yet, only the couch, a small table and the tv among a few small items of furniture. They were going to decorate it together once it all settled down and got more calm; after all, they had _all the time in the world_.

Until they didn't.

They did have the time to hang some pictures on the wall though. Many of them were of their family. Mary Margaret holding Neal with Emma by their side; David, Killian, Henry, Robin and Regina building Neal and Roland a playhouse in Regina's backyard, Emma hugging Henry; Regina and Mary Margaret making lasagne... and oh, that picture.

It wasn't the most beautiful picture by far and it was kinda blurry, but she cherished that picture above all.

Suddenly, she was flooded by a memory that warmed her inner self.

_"What is this bloody thing Swan?" Killian shouted from their garage._

_Emma walked into the room and saw Killian holding her old camera like it was the weirdest thing in the world. She was trying to help him adjust to this century and its technology, and even though he was starting to understand how to use a cell phone, cameras were way out of his league._

_"That's a camera" she approached him and took the camera from his hands. "You press this button and whatever is in front of it will be captured by the lens and will be printed in a piece of...um let just say paper."_

_"Captured? Why would I want to be captured by that!" Killian said alarmed and took the camera from Emma "I will protect you from this bloody thing" and while he tried to hold it as far from her as possible, Killian pressed the button, taking a picture._

_He got scared because of the flash, and dropped it, holding Emma close. "What the hell was that?"_

_Emma just couldn't hold her laughter when she saw Killian's face, filled with complete confusion._

_"What? Why are you laughing? that bloody thing scared the hell out of me, Swan"_

_Emma looked at him with fondness and took the camera and the small paper that came out of it from the floor. She quickly shook the paper and showed it to Killian._

_"Be careful not to put your finger into the black part"_

_He took the picture from her hands and widely opened his eyes when the black zone started to fade, and colour started to appear. Within seconds, the picture was completely revealed._

_You could see Killian, holding Emma close to his body with a determined face, meanwhile she was laughing at the situation. It wasn't the best photo ever taken, but it was so pure, that Emma couldn't help herself, and decided it deserved a place in their wall._

It never failed to make Emma smile after a long day at the precinct, or whenever they were being threatened by whoever was trying to take their happy endings or kill them. But now it was making her heart ache with pain.

Emma moved her eyes away from the picture that was hanging on the wall and turned around. Still cold, she decided to go and grab another blanket from the wardrobe, but when she turned to face it, she saw a black leather jacket hanging from the doorknob.

She carefully traced the collar with her fingers, feeling how cold it was. Her hands trembling, she unsurely grabbed it, so gentle, fearing it would disappear before her eyes if she tried to take it too fast. She was trying so hard not to cry, but when she moved it close to her chest and that familiar scent surrounded her, Emma fell to the floor; defeated.

She started to cry, harder than she'd cried since she had to let Killian go. Realization hit her like a brutal wave; he was not coming back, and she would spend the rest of her days feeling like something was missing, like he was missing. She wouldn't be happy again, at least not as happy as she ever was with him.

Never that happy.

And that statement was something she couldn't bear.

In that moment, the door cracked open and the sound of heels heading fast towards Emma filled the room.

"Oh Emma"

Since Emma decided to lock herself up and stopped answering their calls and rings to the door, Snow and David decided it was best if they stepped back and gave her space. Regina, on the other hand, knew better than anyone what being alone after something like this made to a person.

She decided to pay Emma a visit, even if it was not welcomed by her.

Regina always tried to play the role of tough one, but she would be lying if she said that this wasn't something that affected her too, not just because of Killian, who she learned to appreciate as her ally and friend, but because of Emma.

She used to loathe Emma Swan with all her being, but she would be lying if she said she hadn't grown fond of her.

Emma was her friend. And she didn't want to leave her friend alone during this excruciating time.

Emma felt how a pair of arms held her from behind as she broke in tears. She hugged Hook's jacket as hard as she could against her heart and sobbed so hard that she felt like she couldn't breathe anymore.

After a while, she stopped crying and her breathing got steadier. Regina held her, still on the floor, and didn't say a word, letting her talk when she was ready to do so.

"He's gone" Emma said, not moving, in a thin voice that was barely perceptible "Killian's gone" Her voice broke at the mention of his name.

Regina breathed in "I know"

"He's not coming back" Tears started to fall from her eyes once again. She tried to hold the sob that was threatening to come out but was unsuccessful.

"I know" Regina could feel her eyes getting watery "I know it hurts more than anything you've experienced before, and I know you can't see how, but I promise it will get better."

"Will this pain go away?" Emma said between cries "I just want this pain to go away, I can't bear this anymore"

"It will never go away, not really" Regina said, holding her close "But I promise you, it will get easier to live with, you just need time"

"I don't want it to get easier" Emma stayed quiet, and then said so low it was barely audible "I just want him back"

The walls were witnesses of the pain and all the tears shed. They witnessed Emma's heart breaking in a million pieces over and over again.

First, when she had to let Killian's hand go that horrible night next to the woods when Emma took his life with her own hands.

Then, when she had to leave him, just right after learning they had true love (not that Emma needed any confirmation. She felt it deep down in her soul.) and was forced to accept the fact that Killian wouldn't be coming home with her.

When she came back home after Kilian's funeral, she cried herself to sleep, feeling the pain just grow more intense with every passing second.

Only the sun and the freezing autumn air witnessed the words she muttered next to his grave, unable to prevent her voice from cracking and with her eyes sore from all the crying.

When she came back, it was clear as day that Emma Swan would never be Emma Swan again. At least, not happy.

At least, not without Killian.

And when many moons after that night, she had her pirate back home with her, they witnessed Emma's heart go back to being whole, piece by piece.

The love, the laughter, the hugging and the unspoken promises they shared that night when, for the first time in forever, they slept into each other's arms.

They witnessed how Emma placed her head on top of Killian's chest where she could feel the beating of his heart, fearing that one moment or another it would stop and this would all be a dream.

That fear that Emma felt, telling her that he might disappear again. A fear that never left her, not truly.

If walls could talk, they would tell you the tale of a young princess, whose heart wasn't broken anymore.

How the princess got his pirate back was something the walls couldn't tell, but what mattered was that he was back, and the young princess wouldn't have to suffer anymore.

Oh, if walls could talk...

**Author's Note:**

> Soooo... I decided Regina was the perfect character to go and understand how a Emma was feeling, after all, neither Snow nor Charming have ever lost their true love. I think Regina really knows what that kind of suffering feels like (poor Daniel) and I think they didn't let us see much of how close they grew and how good friends they were until the last episode of the series, so, good excuse to bring it up (not that Regina needs an excuse to appear wherever she wants, a Queen is always welcomed)


End file.
